Teaching "No" and "Stop" to Kids

Speaking up. Saying "no," "stop" and "I don't like that" are powerful skills. So is listening.

Sometimes we forget how sacred "No!" is. Young kids say it a lot, and for many adults that's a word we'd rather not hear so much. But "No" and "Stop" are essential to healthy life, kindness and survival.

I've been thinking a lot about the torrent of sexual harassment and assault stories in the news. How it's finally coming out into the open air. How hard it is to speak up. What happens when people don't.

"No" is a sacred word. We have to teach our kids that, boy or girl. So is "Stop" and "I don't like that." Raising kids means teaching them to speak up. Raising kids means teaching them to listen. Listen and stop the unwanted action.

In my family growing up, we had a code word we used to say when tickle fights, rough housing and other wild play got too much. Our code word wasn't too inventive, it was simply "Stop," but whenever anyone said "Stop," big or small, child or adult, everyone in the room instantly froze and stopped immediately. That taught me to speak up. It taught me to stop and listen when someone else spoke up.

Speaking up and listening are the essentials of human life. These are the skills that solve problems, from family relationships to international emergencies. We need to celebrate these skills in early childhood, model them, respect them, and get used to the discomfort they can produce.

So instead of saying "Be nice" or "Be a good boy" or "Behave" -- vague words of complete obedience and compliance -- teach your children everyday skills of emotional expression and conflict management. These skills are woven throughout my books "It's OK Not to Share" and "It's OK to Go Up the Slide," including:

It's OK Not to Kiss Grandma - speaking up and setting limits on bodies - even loving grandma hugs
It's OK to Talk to Strangers - gives your children tools, not fear
Kids Need Conflict - step-by-step guidance in helping kids speak up and stop behavior they don't like. "Stop! I don't like it when you ____."
Only Punch Friends - celebrates rough-housing, gives conflict mediation practice, helps kids read body language and words that say "Stop!

Speaking up is hard.

Listening and stopping is hard.

Young kids can do it. And so can we.

We need to encourage these skills, for these are the skills of life. It gets easier with practice.

Are you good at saying no and speaking up? How are you teaching this to kids in your life?

Need more practice speaking up?

Or how to raise kids who can speak up, set limits and face the world with confidence?

Check out It's OK Not to Share and It's OK to Go Up the Slide.

The Every Day Hero's Job is Speaking Up

Speaking up is hard to do, but that's called courage.

I suppose the whole message of my "It's OK" books is simply about speaking up.

Speaking up when something's wrong. Speaking up directly child-to-child when a child doesn't like something. Speaking up when the culture is at odds with what's good for human beings. Speaking up if something is just plain wrong for life on this planet.

Sometimes we know something is wrong but we stay silent. That's understandable, but make a resolution to practice courage. Silence can hurt. We hurt ourselves, our children and the people around us if we know something is wrong and don't say anything.

For those of you who've bucked the system, questioned a teacher, family member or authority figure, disagreed with someone respectfully, been willing to state what you don't like and work toward a solution together - you know it's hard. Extremely hard. Speaking up takes courage.

Speaking up is hard. It's lonely. It takes practice. It's daunting, difficult and downright frightening for most of us as adults. But if we learn this practice from childhood, it's much easier. It also gets easier with practice. Courage begets courage.

The topics in my books cover speaking up in many forms: conflicts over sharing, conflicts over friendships, conflicts over anything, homework, recess-deprived children, strangers, body limits, feelings, ideas, respect. Fundamentally it's all about respect and kindness.

On the eve of the U.S. presidential election, I'm speaking out in favor of kindness. No matter what your past or current political views, do not let your vote endorse a person with bullying, bigoted ideals and give him a seat of world power. It's dangerous. If your views are conservative, support other conservatives on the ticket.

What we need -- at all ages -- is to make an effort to understand each other, take care of each other and respect each other.

Taking turns. Speaking up. Listening. Practicing emotional control.

As Winston Churchill said: "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

Have you found your courage lately? Have you ever known something was wrong "in your gut" for a long time before speaking up? When's the last time your practiced courage?