Kissing Grandma: A Holiday Primer

It's the season when families converge for the holidays.  In honor of Thanksgiving this week, here are some thoughts on helping young children navigate the well-meaning hugs and kisses of relations.

The basic premise: it's OK NOT to kiss Grandma.

Or Grandpa, or Aunt Rosie, or any of the extended cousins, uncles, great-aunts, neighbors and guests.

Unless relatives are regularly part of a young child's life, remember these people are strangers. Has it been six months since you've seen Uncle Claude and Aunt Sophie? A year? Two years? That could very well be half the child's life. Chances are, your child feels more comfortable with the babysitter down the street. Even if your child had a terrific time the last time they were together, this family member is essentially a stranger now to your young child.  It's important to respect that, acknowledge fears, and don't force affection.

It's ironic, isn't it? Most families spend a good portion of the year telling their kids not to talk to strangers. Then at the holidays we expect children to hug these "strangers" and let themselves be petted and kissed.

Young kids are often scared of people who are new or different. They might be worried about people with beards, people with wrinkly skin, people who walk with a cane or use a motorized wheelchair. They might not know what to say, or be put off when their slightly-deaf grandparents can't hear them properly.

Some tips to help everyone feel comfortable:

Go slowly   Don't insist on instant hugs and kisses when greeting family. Model your own trust and affection, but allow your child to observe, warm up, and take his time getting to know them.

Respect the right not to be touched  Children should have privacy over their own bodies. They have the right to give and accept hugs or not. If a child doesn't want to touch someone, or be touched, that's just fine. In fact, it's healthy. Your child is setting boundaries on her body.

Set expectations   Talk about it ahead of time. Acknowledge that you haven't seen Grandma or Grandpa in a long time. Explain what you expect: "There'll be a lot of people coming to our house tomorrow.  It's nice to say 'hello' when you meet people." Also explain what your child can expect. "Nana's excited to see you. She likes to kiss people when she sees them."  Don't forget to warn the grandparents! "Nathan doesn't like hugs right away.  He's excited to see you again, but remember, it's been a long time. The best way to make friends is to read him a story."

Focus on modeling, not performing   When guests arrive, don't force young kids to perform polite greetings. They may clam up or hide behind your legs. Let your ideas of manners for greetings and goodbyes go. Older kids can be expected to say hello, goodbye and thank you-for-coming, but many young kids pick it up best through observation. Time is your friend here. Respecting feelings is more important and will allow a stronger relationship to develop over time.

Offer tips   If Grandma uses a walker or Grandpa's hard of hearing, talk about it. Answer basic questions and give your child tips for success. "Grandpa can't hear well. Stand right next to his chair and say it again in a big voice."

Revive memories  Tell stories to reconnect your child to the family members they're about to meet. Even if they're too young to remember the last visit clearly, you can still say "Grandpa rocked you in the rocking chair when you were a baby. See here's a picture." Knowing their connection helps establish trust and a new bond.

Of course, the opposite may become a problem, too. You may have to rescue Aunt Sophie or Grandpa from an onslaught of excited squirmy hugs from your child. Grown-ups have a right to say no and protect their bodies, too.

Has this ever been a problem in your family?  Do you remember what it was like to meet extended relatives at family gatherings?  What do you think accepting forced affection teaches kids?