Cut the Interrogation Habit

Which one is the red horse? Who cares? More important learning - use a cow if you run out of horses.

We recently got a new set of blocks for my son. Castle blocks - the kind with painted drawbridges and turrets. He loves all things knights and horses, and so far many towers and dungeons have been built, crashed and tumbled.

What dismayed me was the back of the package.

It's one of those Melissa and Doug toys - sturdy, wooden toys built to last and supposedly in touch with kids and their imaginations. Instead the package label exhorted parents to "Expand your Child's Learning." How? These were the suggestions: ask your child which are the yellow and red blocks, ask your child to count all the tower blocks, ask your child to sort the blocks by type, etc.

That's interrupting play. That's not expanding learning.

If you sit down to play a game of castles or blocks with your child, it should be as a playmate engaged in normal give and take. "Let's make a moat." "Do you need more blocks? Here - you can share mine." "Where should we put the knight?" "You've made a lot of windows."

Of course, adults don't always have time or interest in playing games with kids, and that's absolutely natural. You can still watch and engage your child by making observations "That's a tall tower." "Look at all the horses you have." Or leave them completely alone.

It makes me squirm when I hear adults constantly peppering kids with questions that are largely irrelevant to kids. "Which one is blue? Which one is orange?" "How many ducks are there?" "Where's the circle?" "What letter is this?" Listen carefully next time you hear it or say it yourself.

Colors are not hard. Let kids enjoy colors without being constantly quizzed about them. The same is true for animals, animal noises, counting, days of the week, weather, shapes and more. We seem to fixate on teaching young kids certain vocabulary words but ignore others completely (do we quiz them on which meal comes first, breakfast, lunch or dinner? on the difference between aunts, uncles and grandmas?). Kids are language machines. They pick up so much, constantly, from context and from caring people around them. They figure out on their own that their sister has two more pieces of candy than they do.

Here's some tips to break the quiz habit

Make an observation. "You're using lots of purple in that picture."

Share things you like yourself. "I love the orange and gold leaves on that tree! It's gorgeous today."

Help a child reach her own goal (not yours). "I see you're building a tall tower using lots of blocks. Do you want to make it higher? The blocks are all gone. What could you use?" or "What do you need for your game?"

Expand, don't interrupt. If a child is fully engaged in play she's already learning at her optimal level. Respect what's going on. Pause and ask a relevant question. "What's the king doing up there?" Don't change the subject.

Say nothing at all. Don't interrupt a good thing.

Don't ask a question if you already know the answer. "What does the chicken say?" This helps immensely to avoid power struggles, too, especially with catching kids in "lie traps." "Did you write on the wall?"

Buy toys that are not advertised as "educational." Don't follow the "educational" or "enrichment" instructions on toys. Remember, it's all advertising, designed to make you feel you're not doing enough for your child. Resist!

Read lots, sing songs, live life. Relevant vocabulary is all around us.

Were you quizzed as a kid? Do you remember how you felt about it? Why are we collectively worried that kids won't notice the beautiful colors of life?

Chuck the Calendars

Who cares if it's Monday? Calendars don't belong in preschool classrooms.

While researching my book, I've visited a lot of preschool classrooms. Preschool, pre-K, Young Fives, kindergarten, Montessori, public, private, charter, you name it. I've observed too many to count. One thing I almost always see in each early ed. classroom is an enormous calendar.

This calendar charts the days, month and weather. During morning circle time, the children gather on the rug at their teacher's feet and go over the day's weather, the day of the week, and the day's date. Today they'll be counting to 20.

Calendar time takes center stage each morning in thousands of classrooms. I believe it's misplaced.

I've never known an adult who doesn't know what Monday is. Or a third grader, for that matter.

Grasping the days of the week is not hard, but it takes some growing up to be relevant. Many young kids live in a fog where time is concerned. "Can we play at Mia's house yesterday?" "My spaghetti stew needs to cook for 100 hours." Time and days of the week are vague. That's OK. Young kids function best with time statements like "after nap." Time will settle down in their minds soon enough. Why impose our ordered rows of time on them now?

Go outside if you want kids to notice the weather.

The same is true of most classroom weather charts. Putting the "sunny" picture in the Wednesday slot doesn't teach much. Weather is only relevant to young kids when they are outside in it. So get them outside -- whatever the weather. That's what makes weather meaningful.

Group circle time is best when it's kept short and relevant. It's great for singing songs, hearing stories and puppet shows and sharing news together. Counting is naturally integrated in many songs and stories ("Five little ducks went out to play" "Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed"). That's the kind of counting that kids care about. Keeping group circle time short and sweet is important. The rest of the time kids will be busy learning on their own - engaged in meaningful play.

I know calendars are an entrenched tradition in classrooms for 3-5 year-olds, but it's time to question that. What's the point?

So chuck the calendars. Monday can wait. We need to respect that kids have better things to do.

What's your take? Why do you think The Calendar is so prevalent in today's classrooms? What would be more relevant to kids?

Interested? Read more about renegade parenting and ideas to transform families and classrooms.

Keep the PRE in preschool

Boxing belongs in preschool. Let 4-year-olds truly play, learn and take risks.

I wrote an op-ed piece about the President’s call for universal preschool for 4-year-olds, and my editor replied asking ‘surely you don’t think having the kids learn the alphabet and numbers 1-10 is too academic?’

Well, er, yes I do.

If letter recognition and counting is an objective on its own, and is “taught” I don’t think it belongs in preschool. Here’s what does belong:

Dramatic play – dress-up costumes, acting out stories, playing make-believe on topics of the children’s own choosing

Physical play – running, jumping, climbing, sliding, chasing, and yes, even boxing and wrestling rough-and-tumble play

Creative play – messy explorations with art and nature, open-ended play ideas involving sticks, logs and cardboard boxes

Outdoor play – whatever the weather, hopefully with trees, dirt, sand and water

Screams and tears – kids expressing their emotions, understanding it’s OK to be mad or sad and figuring out what’s appropriate and what’s not (All feelings are OK; all behavior isn’t.) This is huge.

Conflict – kids encountering other kids and having problems. This is the life essential skill of conflict mediation: figuring out what-the-heck to do when conflict occurs (as it always will). Enormously important. Learning the basics of being a civilized human being.

Meaningful, age-appropriate pre-literacy. Songs, finger chants, nursery rhymes, reading aloud, telling stories aloud, games, puppet shows, signs, dictated messages and stories.

Notice I said “pre” not literacy. Literacy means the ability to understand symbols and read and write. “Pre-literacy” and “pre-school” mean “before literacy” and “before school.” We are in danger when we skip over the prefix. A few young children take great interest in letters and teach themselves how to read at a tender age. Bravo – don’t stop them! But give the vast majority of young kids breathing space and time to be where they are now.

Pre-literacy is meaningful to kids when it’s relevant to their lives. A sign saying “Shh! Lucy’s animals are sleeping” is relevant to Lucy’s game. A homemade book with a child’s very own words (dictated to an adult) is meaningful and joyous. Nothing beats reading books aloud multiple times a day. There’s no agenda to make kids study the alphabet, like learning how to get dressed and learning how to behave, literacy is simply integrated into daily life.

It’s important for kids to love stories and understand the power of words before they move on to true literacy.

And counting? Young kids can recite 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. That’s memory, not counting. True counting involves one-to-one correspondence, the mental concept that “two” means two of something. Kids develop one-to-one correspondence at different ages. Songs, stories and daily life reinforce these concepts already, and when the child is ready, she will learn them. Why waste her time drilling counting when she needs to be learning something else?

The President is calling for universal preschool, modeled after programs in Alabama where business people supported statewide preschool as a cost-effective method of generating a reliable, future workforce. These preschools have play, but it’s a heavy dose of teacher-directed play, the kind found in most public school classrooms (stack these blocks, play in this “learning center” now).

A high-quality preschool program looks radically different. It’s open-ended play, play directed by children, play that’s guided by adults trained in coaching emotions and conflict resolution. And no, it doesn’t teach the alphabet or counting.

I fear we are forgetting the “pre” and sending 4-year-olds directly to “school.”

What do you think belongs in PRE-school? What are your hopes and fears for national universal preschool?

If you like these ideas, read more in my book:

It's OK Not to Share...And Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids.

Free sample chapter and videos here.