I’ve been preaching about resilience, and why kids need to face rejection sometimes. We can’t protect them. We shouldn’t protect them. Today’s guest post offers additional insight into why rejection and setbacks can be so crucial.

I’m happy to welcome guest blogger Laurie Buchanan to Starlighting Mama. I met Laurie in Madison where she was my “how to write a blog” teacher at a writing conference. My first post had two readers, and she was one of them. My recent “Throw Away your Timer” post had 200,000.

Laurie is part of a “Happiness Study” being conducted by Dr. Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist at the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at University of Wisconsin-Madison. I think you’ll find this fascinating — what truly makes us happy? Do we value setbacks in our children’s lives? Do we give them enough independence to experience meaningful failure?

Failure IS an Option –  Guest post by Laurie Buchanan

When I received an invitation to be part of a beta group of testers who would discover whether or not people could “click their way to happiness,” I accepted with enthusiasm. As a holistic health practitioner and transformational life coach, this type of research is of tremendous interest to me as many of my clients are recovering from major setbacks—closed doors.

Positive psychology and positive neuroscience based on the study founded by neuroscientist Dr. Richard Davidson at the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at UW-Madison was delivered online to each beta tester in the form of interactive games, activities, and exercises designed to help the user sift through their experiences and find opportunities for gratitude, growth, and to optimize well-being.

The science of happiness shows that failure is an option. What matters is how we respond to it.

Researchers found conclusively that we enjoy a higher quality of life when we experience a certain number of setbacks—5 to 7 of them. Why? Because setbacks give us confidence that we can weather adversity, and they also reinforce what we truly value—for example health, loving relationships—which can result in enhanced priorities and different goals.

On the other hand:

• Too many setbacks can result in breaking one’s spirit.

• Too few setbacks can protect someone from developing resilience.

Resilient people tend to “make meaning” as difficult challenges are faced and overcome, which allows them to discover positive outcomes that wouldn’t have happened if the challenge hadn’t occurred. This is called BeneFinding—finding benefit in negative experiences.

What was the last benefit you found from a negative experience?

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Thanks, Laurie! To read more of her work visit Laurie at Speaking from the Heart.  Her motto is: “Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.”

Do you find it surprising that failure can be a key ingredient for happiness? How has this played out in your life? How can we cultivate good resilience?