One key to finding happiness is dealing with setbacks and closed doors. - photo by Laurie Buchanan
I've been preaching about resilience, and why kids need to face rejection sometimes. We can't protect them. We shouldn't protect them. Today's guest post offers additional insight into why rejection and setbacks can be so crucial.
I'm happy to welcome guest blogger Laurie Buchanan to Starlighting Mama. I met Laurie in Madison where she was my "how to write a blog" teacher at a writing conference. My first post had two readers, and she was one of them. My recent "Throw Away your Timer" post had 200,000.
Laurie is part of a "Happiness Study" being conducted by Dr. Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist at the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at University of Wisconsin-Madison. I think you'll find this fascinating -- what truly makes us happy? Do we value setbacks in our children's lives? Do we give them enough independence to experience meaningful failure?
Failure IS an Option - Guest post by Laurie Buchanan
When I received an invitation to be part of a beta group of testers who would discover whether or not people could “click their way to happiness,” I accepted with enthusiasm. As a holistic health practitioner and transformational life coach, this type of research is of tremendous interest to me as many of my clients are recovering from major setbacks—closed doors.
Positive psychology and positive neuroscience based on the study founded by neuroscientist Dr. Richard Davidson at the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at UW-Madison was delivered online to each beta tester in the form of interactive games, activities, and exercises designed to help the user sift through their experiences and find opportunities for gratitude, growth, and to optimize well-being.
The science of happiness shows that failure is an option. What matters is how we respond to it.
Researchers found conclusively that we enjoy a higher quality of life when we experience a certain number of setbacks—5 to 7 of them. Why? Because setbacks give us confidence that we can weather adversity, and they also reinforce what we truly value—for example health, loving relationships—which can result in enhanced priorities and different goals.
On the other hand:
• Too many setbacks can result in breaking one’s spirit.
• Too few setbacks can protect someone from developing resilience.
Resilient people tend to “make meaning” as difficult challenges are faced and overcome, which allows them to discover positive outcomes that wouldn’t have happened if the challenge hadn’t occurred. This is called BeneFinding—finding benefit in negative experiences.
What was the last benefit you found from a negative experience?
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Thanks, Laurie! To read more of her work visit Laurie at Speaking from the Heart. Her motto is: "Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing."
Do you find it surprising that failure can be a key ingredient for happiness? How has this played out in your life? How can we cultivate good resilience?
Great post, Laurie. Thanks for stating what is to me an obvious truth but has been ignored by an entire generation of parents. Failing at something or being told "no" are vitally important to one's personal growth. If you've never been told "No, you can't do that" or "Your not good enough" or experienced failure at something such as a sport (everybody makes the team, we don't keep score, everyone swings at the ball until they hit it, etc.), you'll never learn what you like or dislike, are good or bad at, or discover what your strengths and weaknesses are.
I've failed so many times over the years I've lost count. I'll cite two examples that I've overcome. First, we lost a house to foreclosure years ago but came out of the experience wiser (and poorer of course) and determined to not make the same mistake. From then on we bought houses cautiously, didn't overpay, and made sure we had emergency funds first before committing to a long-term investment. I'm proud to say we just paid off our hopefully final mortgage and are now officially debt-free and own a valuable asset in our house.
Second, after years of steadily declining putting confidence on the golf course thanks to the yips, I hit rock bottom last year. I was so bad I double-hit a putt twice in one round, three times that week, and four times all season! That's about as bad as a golfer's putting stroke can get. I couldn't make one out of four 3-foot putts last year. I decided enough was enough and experimented with different grips, strokes, stances, closing my eyes, until I found something that enabled me to make a few more putts. This year I'm making well over half my 3-foot putts, and haven't come close to double-hitting a putt all year.
A silly failure and moderate success story, I know, but I"m an addicted golfer and this is a big part of my recreational and social life, so it's important to me. Even the happiest, most successful people in the world can't possibly succeed at everything they try, so we should all be acquainted with failure and embrace it as a chance to learn and improve, rather than let it define us.
Chris
Thanks for sharing your stories, Chris. The house and the golf! Glad this piece resonated with you.
Chris - I love the excellent, personal examples you shared here — THANK YOU!
Thanks. I also like this from Laurie: "Blessed are those who realize it".
A wonderful motto.
Meyla - Thank you for stopping by today and leaving a comment. Being familiar with that quote of mine I'm guessing you've either visited my website or blog. Thank you.
Boy did you ever hit the nail on the head. I'm sure the sure the sound is resounding through many parents thoughts as they go about nursing their children's wounds, both physically and emotionally. While I had no problem looking the other way while my birth children fell down and giving them the space to brush themselves off and stand back up, I struggle with this so much more with my foster/adoptive children. They ask "do you love me" in a hundred unusual ways, "can you keep me safe" and "can I trust you in my upset".
With my birth kids (they are adults now), it seemed as though that window that lies between too many and too few setbacks was much larger then with my foster/adoptive children. My foster/adoptive children have already had "too many setbacks" and while it has not "broken their spirit", it surely has compromised it. I end up holding their emotional pieces and struggle to know when to hand a piece back to them. How can I stretch that window wider for our family (I ask this of myself but if you have any great ideas I would love to hear them)?
I see how my foster/adoptive children's history has cost them the ability to feel that they are wonderful even if they can't do a math problem, that they are loved in the middle of a fearful meltdown and that too much toilet paper in the toilet is not a relationship breaker. Fear gets in the way of "finding the benefit in failure". So in our house we talk about our mistakes a lot. With one child it has become our nightly question that we ask each other. The conversation goes something like this:
Me: So, did you make any mistakes today, cause I sure did?
Kid: Nope.
Me: Really? Wow, I wish I could get through a day without making a mistake.
Kid: What mistake did you make?
Me: Well, I yelled at a lawyer. Yah, it didn't go so well. Just for future reference yelling at lawyers doesn't get you what you want.
Kid: Ha ha, I could have told you that.
Me Well next time remind me BEFORE I yell at a lawyer. So did you think of any mistakes?
Kid: Nope.
We will keep working on this and hopefully this kiddo will feel safe enough to talk about her mistakes before she becomes convinced that I am a complete and utter idiot.
There is room for rejoicing as we watch the kids demonstrate bits of growing resilience. Our foster/adoptive son (who is ten) was chasing his sister in a game of tag. He tripped on a root and fell flat on his face. As he lay sprawled face down in the dirt, my husband and I held our breathes, watching as he got up laughing and brushing himself off . We let out a sigh of relief. No anger, blame or yelling. Our son laughed at his mistake! He laughed at himself!!! My husband and I looked at each other in amazement. We may have not have seen his first physical steps but we had seen his first emotional steps. It was just as thrilling.
Yes, this is a tricky line to walk when kids have already had so many setbacks. Trust them and trust yourself. They will take the emotionally resilient steps they need to take when they're ready and you are providing a supportive environment. May you have many more thrilling moments ahead.
Anne Donn - Thank you for your heartwarming response, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. You asked, "How can I stretch that window wider for our family (I ask this of myself but if you have any great ideas I would love to hear them)?"
Let me start by sharing a bit of information in an effort to cue up my experience in this arena and offer a potential suggestion for you:
My grandfather was blind and a double amputee (both legs from the knees, down).
My mother contracted polio at age 7 that resulted in her walking with a "kick" in her gait.
My sister had no hearing in one ear and only ten percent in the other.
Our son is adopted.
The one thing that each of these people have/had in common is that they don't/didn't want to be treated any differently — body, mind, or spirit.
Thank you Laurie for sharing some of the bits and pieces that make you who you are. Your authentic voice is a keen reminder to me that stretching the window does not mean taking away their hard experiences but instead trusting them to grow through those hard experiences. I realize that I sell them short when I want to wrap them up in a blankie and sprinkle fairy dust on them to make it all go away. Maybe in sitting with their pain we all grow? Alright, I'm giving up the fairy dust but keeping blankies. It's a process.
Anne - Your response put a great big smile on my face!
Funny thing…my husband set up the outgoing "signature block" on my iPhone email to say: "Sent with faerie dust and a little bippity, boppity, boop!"
Have a shiny penny weekend!