Which one is the red horse? Who cares? More important learning - use a cow if you run out of horses.
We recently got a new set of blocks for my son. Castle blocks - the kind with painted drawbridges and turrets. He loves all things knights and horses, and so far many towers and dungeons have been built, crashed and tumbled.
What dismayed me was the back of the package.
It's one of those Melissa and Doug toys - sturdy, wooden toys built to last and supposedly in touch with kids and their imaginations. Instead the package label exhorted parents to "Expand your Child's Learning." How? These were the suggestions: ask your child which are the yellow and red blocks, ask your child to count all the tower blocks, ask your child to sort the blocks by type, etc.
That's interrupting play. That's not expanding learning.
If you sit down to play a game of castles or blocks with your child, it should be as a playmate engaged in normal give and take. "Let's make a moat." "Do you need more blocks? Here - you can share mine." "Where should we put the knight?" "You've made a lot of windows."
Of course, adults don't always have time or interest in playing games with kids, and that's absolutely natural. You can still watch and engage your child by making observations "That's a tall tower." "Look at all the horses you have." Or leave them completely alone.
It makes me squirm when I hear adults constantly peppering kids with questions that are largely irrelevant to kids. "Which one is blue? Which one is orange?" "How many ducks are there?" "Where's the circle?" "What letter is this?" Listen carefully next time you hear it or say it yourself.
Colors are not hard. Let kids enjoy colors without being constantly quizzed about them. The same is true for animals, animal noises, counting, days of the week, weather, shapes and more. We seem to fixate on teaching young kids certain vocabulary words but ignore others completely (do we quiz them on which meal comes first, breakfast, lunch or dinner? on the difference between aunts, uncles and grandmas?). Kids are language machines. They pick up so much, constantly, from context and from caring people around them. They figure out on their own that their sister has two more pieces of candy than they do.
Here's some tips to break the quiz habit
- Make an observation. "You're using lots of purple in that picture."
- Share things you like yourself. "I love the orange and gold leaves on that tree! It's gorgeous today."
- Help a child reach her own goal (not yours). "I see you're building a tall tower using lots of blocks. Do you want to make it higher? The blocks are all gone. What could you use?" or "What do you need for your game?"
- Expand, don't interrupt. If a child is fully engaged in play she's already learning at her optimal level. Respect what's going on. Pause and ask a relevant question. "What's the king doing up there?" Don't change the subject.
- Say nothing at all. Don't interrupt a good thing.
- Don't ask a question if you already know the answer. "What does the chicken say?" This helps immensely to avoid power struggles, too, especially with catching kids in "lie traps." "Did you write on the wall?"
- Buy toys that are not advertised as "educational." Don't follow the "educational" or "enrichment" instructions on toys. Remember, it's all advertising, designed to make you feel you're not doing enough for your child. Resist!
- Read lots, sing songs, live life. Relevant vocabulary is all around us.
Were you quizzed as a kid? Do you remember how you felt about it? Why are we collectively worried that kids won't notice the beautiful colors of life?
I don't remember being quizzed or interrupted during play as a kid. Mom and Dad were more than happy to let me play by myself or with my siblings or other children. I can't imagine them wanting to jump into my play time like in your examples.
Dad did play sports with us all the time- football, baseball, basketball, hockey, tennis. But that was "playing catch," "playing H-O-R-S-E," wiffle ball, etc., and always as an equal member of the team, or the opponent. But other than try to help me with my pitching mechanics (when I was ready to learn), he always "let us play."
He played to win, which taught me how to be a good loser, how to strive to improve, and then at the end of the day, win or lose, he was still Dad. Any teaching during play of that sort was when we were older and decided we wanted to improve in our sport.
Dad coached me and my brother most of the way up through junior high school, but the earliest years when we played sports it was just for pure fun and physical activity. Mom was always a loyal fan in the stands for us and never tried to teach us after the fact. We got a hug after the game, win or lose. Thanks Mom and Dad. You did it right for me.
Love your stories, Chris. Thanks for sharing. Your parents gave you plenty of room to play and learn and supported you along the way as you went through your own trials - wonderful!
Heather — I recently experienced a similar sense of dismay. While shopping for a gift at a well-known toy store (that was dismay enough), I came across SEGREGATED isles:
Toys for Him
Toys for Her
WHO decides these things? A girl might well like a "boy" toy, and a boy might well like a "girl" toy.
Another great post, thank you. I love the way you dish food for thought...
Ah, yes. The 'his' and 'her' toy marketing is getting really out of hand. It's much more extreme and segregated than it used to be. Glad this post gave food for thought.
Once again spot on! I don't ever recall being quizzed as a kid either. My parents just let us play. When we got older, I remember my father teaching us different card games, like hearts, gin rummy, & cribbage. He taught us the basic rules, but always allowed us to play our own hands unless we asked for help.
Thanks! I think quizzing kids is much more prevalent these days. Sounds as if you had some great family card games!
Those snippets on the backs of toy packaging telling you to quiz your child do annoy me!
Interestingly our son learned his colours (early in fact - at about 20-22 months) by him quizzing me rather than the other way round. When you've been asked 'what's that?' for the tenth car or crayon in a row, you find yourself naturally saying what colour it is. It felt like he learned them very easily over the course of a month or two without any conscious effort from me other than answering his questions. As a result all the 'educational' toys designed to help your child learn colours feel really bizarre and unnecessary to me. I was also quite surprised when I discovered that he knew all his shapes one day as I have absolutely no idea where he picked them up!
Juliette -- how funny that your son was the one quizzing you! Love the story - thanks for sharing. You're right, kids soak up so much, and anything marketed as "educational" I say beware!
Thanks for the reminder and advice! I like how you give alternate sorts of questions (or give us permission to just stay quiet—sometimes it helps to have someone else's permission to do this.)
You're most welcome. Silence is truly golden, but the messages we get often tell us otherwise. I think many people feel the way you do.
What children play with has to do exactly with what the parents bring into the home. Most of the time, they are usually plastic. Certainly, these items can be a lot of fun for the children. However, they can be limited in many ways. Instead, it's time to explore the benefits of wooden toys because they have so much more to offer.`
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Oh, the constant quizzing is infuriating! I have a 23-month old, and Grandma and others constantly quiz her. "What color is that flower?" "What does the kitty say?" I have explained that we should not ask a toddler a question that we already know the answer to, but they persist in questioning. It's doubly frustrating when the adult asks the same question over and over. Have you found a way to help others understand this concept?