Children's play needs to be respected - including secret clubhouses and toy weapons.
I've been busy blogging every day -- on other people's sites! This is the new world of book promotion. So instead of typing out yet another blog, I'm going to share with you two recent blog posts. One from the west coast: Jennifer Margulis's Sticking My Neck Out (which got a whopping 50+ comments!) and one from the east coast: an op-ed piece about gun play in the Huffington Post.
Here's a sample from each:
"I first met Jennifer at an ASJA conference in New York in 2010 when I drew her name as my mentor. We were both far from home, both with little kids left in someone else’s care.“You’ve got a great idea for a book here,” she said. “But…” she picked up her pen and started striking out sentences. “This query letter definitely needs some work.”"
And from Huffington -
"I came home yesterday to find a foam sword and a blue plastic squirt gun on the patio. It was a hot summer day, and obviously the kids had been having a rousing game in the backyard. But still, the sight of a gun and a sword on my back step chilled me.
The Aurora shootings were instantly on my mind. I'm a mom. But I'm also the author of a parenting book; one that actively supports weapon and guy play for young kids. Where does that put my thoughts now?"
The answer, of course, is free, uncensored play. Children pursue play ideas because it's how they process the world. Behavior may have to be stopped if it hurts people or property, but all play ideas need to be welcomed. If the play idea doesn't fit in the house, take it outside.
Have you ever been bothered by a child's play? What made you uncomfortable? Did you ever play with squirt guns as a kid?
Some of my very best memories are of playing with kids in the neighborhood using squirt guns and water bombs.
Mine too!
My kids and their cousins have very elaborate, scripted battles using weapons of all sorts. They're actually pretty fun to watch, since there are complicated slow-motion action scenes, melodramatic deaths, and often a running commentary on each character's thoughts and feelings ("...now my guy is seriously wounded, and he has one last chance--if only he can reach his antimatter grenade in time...") At first I felt like I was winning all of the bad mothering awards for allowing every manner of weapon into our house--starting with Nerf and water pistols and light sabers, moving onto plastic guns won at the fair--but now I realize that the weapons, more than any other toy that we own, invite all sorts of heroic, collaborative play.
Angie, yes heroic and collaborative elements are sometimes hard to see, but once you start noticing them, they're everywhere! I'm sure your kids have great games together.
The first child's play that would bother me is abusing another child in any way, outside of one-on-one evenly matched fights that were the result of disagreements or disputes. I concede that children, especially boys, feel the need to hit, kick, scratch, etc., on occasion. As long as the fighting is not a regular occurance, and as long as one child doesn't continually signal out one child, or pick on smaller, weaker, younger children as a matter of habit.
My other objectionable child's play is when a child intentionally mistreats or abuses animals. It's one thing to step on an ant, or swat a fly and pull its wings off; but totally unacceptable to torture cats or dogs, break birds eggs in a nest, or chop a garter snake into pieces with a kitchen knife.
I used to play with squirt guns, pea guns, cap guns, cowboy rifles, or stick weapons, owned several GI Joes, played "army" on a regular basis with invisible weapons and invisible foes or with real kids and "real" toy weapons, and never thought twice about it. I don't think my fantasy battles were nearly as explicit as today's video games, but there was plenty of blood and gore as we beat the Germans in WW II, the South in the Civil War, or the British in the American Revolution.
Fighting and war is a legitimate product of fantasizing and child's play. Better to fantasize about war and killing, then get it out of your system, than be forced into it like so many children in African and Middle Eastern countries are forced to do these days.
I am in complete agreement with allowing uncensored play up to that "danger" point.
Excellent thoughts, Chris. Yes, children sometimes venture into that "danger" point - hurting somebody or some thing. That's when we need to step in firmly. stop the behavior, and get help if necessary. As you probably know, abusing animals is considered a dangerous, violent sign. Your comments on child soldiers are a somber reminder. Children don't really want to be in war, but war play gives them a useful place to explore friendships and ideas.
Heather, I'm so glad you shared this article about kids and "violent" play. Alejandro and Soren love to play with guns and swords; ninjas, knights, siths and jedi are part of our daily dose of boyish play. I used to be mortified by it; we are peace-loving folk after all 🙂
After 6 years of being a mom to my play-fight-loving son, I finally understand that it is part of being a healthy growing boy. Now I just wish I could help his daddy understand it.
Thanks Heather and congrats on publishing your book!
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Gotta love those boys! The children know what they're doing -- if we only listen and make space for it. Good for you for respecting those kids enough to respect their play!